she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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