If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
