i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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