So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
