1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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