Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
