You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
