He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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