Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
