That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
