Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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