Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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