they need to just BURY HIM!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
