party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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