your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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