Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
