I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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