I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
