I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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