nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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