Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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