how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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