My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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