I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
