I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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