you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
