They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
