I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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