I feel great
I just peed on a car
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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