I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
