I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
love makes seman taste better
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
