The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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