I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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