Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
