Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
