My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
