Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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