so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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