I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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