Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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