When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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