I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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