can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
