We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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