He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize