a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
