yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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