I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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