dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm too high and old for this...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
