you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
