Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
