apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize