I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
