my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
