Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
