Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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